Return

It's been almost two years after which I am writing here. 2 years, they passed as if they were 2 weeks. I was so much occupied,or say lost,addicted to whatever I was doing. It took so many years to finally gain all,barring few losses which were not replenishable. Though the abstract things are again with me, still the pain resides always within,of what I lost.
When I see the losses many people hv faced in their journey of life, my loss seems so small. I assuage my grieved heart by setting before it their example. Pain goes and it returns again after few days. Some projections always follow you because they were conceived in your mind and ideas once conceived,spread like virus.

I am a human.So I keep on erring and then learning from them. The biggest lesson learnt so far is: Let everyone go off you,if they wish to,however tough may be it's for you. Don't try to tie them with you. They will come if they truly were yours. And if they dont't come back,they were never yours. You were in illusion.

Sometimes faith plays a vital role in achieving big things. I put a faith in a subject that even, I, in my heart,knew is impossible that it would get to real.

But such was the strength of faith, it did turn to reality.

That subject apart, it was only the faith in myself that kept me moving always. Be the sick,bedridden days of hostel, or the depressed days in Faridkote; worst the last sem in college.

When I joined job, I was beset with lots of challenges. I did fail on couple of ocassions. There was even a day in Trivandrum training hostel, when I wept for whole night at my one of the failures in a very important test. And the hit was that I had to weep in such a way that my roommate may not hear it. That day I realised the importance of a pillow.

Trivandrum days,though were tightly scheduled,and we needed to prove ourself daily, I never felt any big problem,except at two ocassions. I was there with my friends who used to make me remember myself when I used to loose heart. The place was airy and I can easily inhale and exghale,both air and thoughts.

Then I moved to Mumbai. Even there the ghost and the pain were following me. I had adjusted with it and have permanentally rented a corner of my head and heart to them. I needed to settle and harmonise with them so that I can continue with my work.
Mumbai is a place where u need to keep on running if u want to go on top and reach ur dreams. I joined the race. I ran,madly,fastly. I forgot myself. Sometimes my breathes gave me warnings too, that they would cease if I did not give them rest. Hardly did I care. I won finally.

One race,two race, three race and then a bigger race.

That day I slept. I slept a lot. I was relaxed . I had seen myself,the real me,after so long. I got evidence,the edge is back. I need proof of everything.

The ghost and the pain were rejoicing too. The projections started dancing before me.

It was mid of June this year, that finally I got rid of the projections. They were replaced by their real entity. But pain haunts sometimes. Actually I have become accustomed of pains,it seems. So even if there is no pain, I would keep on searching for it. And because there is none new, I keep clinging the past pains, which have no pain left in them now. I have squezzed all the painfull elements from the pain , that the pain is empty now. Still I would not let it go,perhaps till I don't get a fresh one ... Enigmatic me....

But here in Mumbai, air is scarce. Sorry,air is there, oxygen is less.
Sometimes the deficiency tried killing me, but the attack ended merely in increasing my immunity to cope up with oxygen deficiency.

It's now 5:15 am... need to sleep....there are lot many things to be done in the morning !!!