Incarnation

I am happy….This semester unraveled before me many mysteries. Mysteries of varied types & dimensions. I had had many strange & new experiences & today I feel I am more practical & strong .sometimes I even astonish as how I survived all those perils. No doubts, never was I alone.
From the experiences of drips & fortnight trips to various Hospitals to the joyous journey to Himalayan subranges, from the VLSI fever to Videography spree, transformation from the schizophrenic psychosis to transcended spirit..From the drastic academic downfall to moral & spiritual uplift..many things, many situations…everywhere I learnt something new... The words always assuaged me & lightened the pain , that:

“Rago me daudane firne ke hum nahi quayal
Jab Aankh hi se na tapka toh fir Lahoo kya hai??”

With the support of my family & my friends (few but true), today again I feel the same power, the power of self ignition & dignity, determined again to dream.

So many sojourns this semester. Twice to Delhi, unexpected, untimely, unwise yet necessary journey to Gurgaon (I still wonder how I did that? Was it me? Wherefrom came the strength?). And smilingly my little heart answered, It’s you, you can do anything. Nobody can beat you except 4 u urself. I Roamed there with my sister, my eternal & divine source of inspiration, & brother, the unique multiplication of simplicity & knowledge …Glory & Glamour of Sahara, Ambience & DT malls wooed me…& my prized possesion shopped there..I Love wearing it..After somedays, the fined trip to H.P. Two days totally in midst of nature & tinkling of various temple’s bells…chanting of Sabads in Anandpursahib…….serenity sprawling everywhere…..
So much tiring way to Naina Devi..So much rush at Jwala jee..Navratara time was it..Two hrs standing in queue at Chintapurani Mata & at almost all temples that were visited. But nothing happened to me even in that weak-freak state…Because I was confident: I may be Delicate, but not Fragile..Then Patiala & Chandigarh…many times……in my feeble state…I baffle sometimes, was it me??

This time the words echoing in my ears are those of Ghalib’s :

“Muskilein aai itni ki aasaan ho gai..”

Exams are nearing..No preparations due to prolonged sickness & delirium..But I am sure nothing can be worse than what has passed….academically,physically,mentally,morally,spiritually,socially, or take any –cally..I cleared no exam this sem.. Failed everywhere…
Today I feel much lighter…The past conditions left me with a lighter state(weight) & that’s extremely good because now with a little Thrust, I can rise higher, as Buoyancy has increased (as per Archemedie’s principle). So many benefits I am going 2 get (hv got also) of my passed stage…
I am sure now that I will never be admitted to health centre, because the reason for that is permanently sorted out.. Again a benefit, reduction in medical bills, so financial benefit as well..5 long years it took to be sorted out.. This Numbness & Stoicism should be rewarded earlier..

Greatest benefit is that I have explored myself, rediscovered myself. & after self-annihilation & self-assasination (as nobody else has power to harm or destroy me ), I succeeded finally in creating a Phoenix. It will take little more time, but the process of creation of phoenix has started.. I may lose (or hv lost) sth very precious, but the reward I am going 2 get & that I hv got partially, will be a lifelong, & more precious..

I can say firmly : I was never wrong, I regret for nothing. Only a Divine Guilt. But I refuse to forget as it teaches me & help me getting strong by pouring some acidic liquid into my lenses.

The VOID is filled. Instead a CANON is created & I refuse to fill it.(I can, on my wish I can do anything) I sentence myself to carry it lifetime. And I am Happy…on my INCARNATION……

“Zindagi apni jab is shakl se gujri Ghalib
Hum bhi kya yaad karenge ki khuda rakhte thein”

(If this is the shape of things in Life, Ghalib, We”ll remember that we had a God, Who shaped them)

The Divine Guilt

In the stormy & eeri night
Deep asleep is the cosmos, none in sight
Awake is a pair of eyes, lost in thought flight
Unslept since many scary nights

Divine guilt atop today, a gaseous poison
And the Blood-Pumping Station
Despite every request, going to cessation
Refusing to perform its biological function

Floats over memory all the deeds lunatic
Done in oblivion, defending cerebrum’s every logic
All the cries, the shouts, the alms & the beggings
Were declared selfishness, stories & alleged of prying

How heinously self-respect & self-pride I assassinated
And my principles that I shrouded & cremated
Stains of sins & self-annihilation can never be washed
Though as divine guilt it is defined
But to forget & forgive the self, the forlorn heart declined

Forgiven is everyone except for me
And the abandoned soul will haunt me perpetually
The divine guilt turning me daily
To a numb silent stony stoic being……..

missing my family

feeling bereft with love & affection
aching heart is missing my mom
her fingers gently moving deep into my hairs
her lap,the most relaxed place to adhere

I am missing my father's inspirational talks, so long
Sisters,their lovely chats,chants, quarrels & demands
Brother,his gentle care,lovely nick-names & similie
Yes in the depth of of my heart, i am missing my family.......

I have learnt that........

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I've learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to help you when you're down, will be the ones to kick you up.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that one should not despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return

I've learned that the language of any relationship is not words but meanings. But expression through words is equally important, for it may be world for someone.

I've learned that everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.